The "past" negatively impacts so many people. Helping people work through previous difficult and often times traumatic experiences is something I have a great deal of passion for. I believe those who say, "let it go, the past is the past" are missing the mark. For many people, it just isn't that simple. Core beliefs are shaped and conditioned over time.
For example, if you had a harsh, critical parent who behaved in a way that left you feeling like you had to be a "human doing" vs a "human being," you might be a perfectionistic adult who has the bar set so high for yourself that it's always just out of reach. The hamster wheel effect.
So how does work through hurtful family of origin experiences?
I'll speak from my experience working with a lot of people on this issue - others may have other routes that work for them. It's a rough outline of how I help my clients process their stories and change any negative impact they have on them now:
- Talk about your experience.
- Be realistic about how this experience might have impacted you. This might mean carefully dropping defense mechanisms.
- Get back in touch with the feelings you had - and might have dismissed - at that time.
- Learn to provide empathy for yourself.
- Identify problematic core beliefs and their triggers.
- Challenge those beliefs when they come up in the everyday automatic thinking process.
- Be patient and consistent with implementing change.
For deep wounds, I recommend doing this type of work with the guidance of a therapist. Find someone in your area who does family of origin style therapy or counseling.
See The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com for more in depth articles about family of origin work.
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Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
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