Does Couples Counseling Work?

I've heard people say, "Why should we bring our personal relationship problems to a therapist? We should be able to figure this out on our own." I can understand this position - especially for people who have attached negative ideas to "therapy" or "counseling." The fact of the matter is, couples counseling works for those who work at it.

I tell couples time and time again, if they both are willing to 1) acknkowledge there's a relationship problem, 2) accept that each of them has some level of responsibility for the problems and 3) each of them be willing to make some behavior change for the sake of the relationship - then they're off to a really great start. Couples counseling can work for people who adopt this position.

It takes more effort than simply showing up a therapist's office. The communication tools and ways of being together need to seep into the lives of the couple. This often means doing things in a very different way than they have before. But it is possible! I've seen couples get reconnected again in ways they never imagined.

With the rise of the divorce rate over the years, it seems as though this society has lost the will to really do the work of being in relationship. Relationships change and shift - ebb and flow - go up and down in intensity, passion and connection. Ideally, an underlying friendship and respect for one another remains during the difficult times.

The simple answer to the question, "Does couples counseling work," is...YES, if you work at it. Keep in mind there might be negative cycles occurring with your partner that you both don't even see. This is what a good relationship therapist will be able to pick up.

Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT

http://www.lisakifttherapy.com/

My Top 5 Relationship Tips

The Mental Health and Relationship Toolbox

Therapy and Counseling Issues - Quick Tips and Tools

I've written a lot about healthy relationships and what aspects successful couples have that make them unique. As I continue my couples therapy work I continue to gather more information about relationships, the importance of good couples communication, their most significant sticking points - and what brings them together.

Here are my top 5 relationship tips for having and maintaining a healthy relationship:

1) Learn to Communication Effectively: This is probably the most important tip of them all because without good couples communication, the rest can go "south" pretty quickly. Research "active listening" and "I-feel" statements for a good start.

2) Educate Yourself About Emotional Safety: "Emotional safety" is one of the cornerstones of my couples counseling work. People have slightly different ideas about what this means and I have a pretty specific definition that can be found in an article I wrote here: Healthy Relationships: Assessing the Emotional Safety. Basically, the more emotionally safe couples feel together - the more connected they are.

3) Maintain Relationship Balance: Relationships are like two overlapping circles with the middle section representing the "relationship" and the outer rings representing the "individuals" in the relationship. Usually the healthiest relationships are those where there is attention paid to all parts but couples will probably have slightly different versions of what works for them - which is ok!

4) Check in With Each Other: Life is so hectic these days that a lot of couples forget to check in with each other. Kids, jobs, friends, bills...the list of distracters can go on and on. I encourage couples to plan atleast one time a week where they know they can spend uninterrupted time to be together to check in. "How are you? What's going on?" It's amazing how easy it can be to forget to do this and the distance between two people can slowly grow.

5) Don't Forget to Laugh: Humor is the great conflict de-escalater and a wonderful release. I'm always encouraged by couples I'm working with who laugh a lot, have private jokes, pet names for each other or whatever! If you lighten up in your relationship it will pay great dividends.

See more about how I work with people on Couples Communication and other information on my San Diego Therapy website.

What to Expect in Your First Individual Counseling or Therapy Session

Have you ever been in counseling or therapy? People have all sorts of ideas about what to expect. I've seen my share of "first-timers" come in with a slightly suspicious, fearful and unsure look in their eyes as they unsteadily lower themselves onto the couch in front of me. I believe many myths are perpetuated by movies and television. It's true that the days of classic psychoanalysis where the therapist sat out of view of the patient lying on the couch are probably a thing of the past (the therapist "out of view," not the "couch" part...I have several clients who are at their most relaxed laying on the couch and this is fine by me...but I'm sitting in front of the couch facing them). Some people expect that the therapist will remain passive except for a few "uh-huhs" as they scribble in their notebooks. And it's not to say there are therapists out there who do that. None of my therapist peers nor I do so. Clients have admitted to me that they were afraid that I was going to start "tinkering" in their head as if they were some science experiment. I understand the fear, especially for those who may have very negative ideas attached to what it means to go to a therapist at all. I don't "tinker" but rather to do what I can to help add insight to people's issues and look for paths to change. Having an understanding of emotions and their impact is often a part of that process.

So - what can you expect from your first therapy or counseling session? I'll lay out what you would be able to expect from me - as I am the only one I can lay claim to knowing about. The basic structure is likely similar to a lot of other therapists.

1) Intake and Consent for Treatment: You'll fill out these forms ahead of session - either download them from my website - or fill them out in the waiting room. They're standard office procedure for most that ask for information about you and require you to sign your consent to engage in the therapeutic relationship. Fees and office polices are also layed out.

2) Assessment: If you're in my office for individual therapy - there's likely something you're in distress about. I'll want to hear about how you define the problem. What are you looking for help with? If there are uncomfortable symptoms associated, I'll want to assess the level of severity as well as know about your support system, your coping skills, etc. At some point I might talk a little more about how I work as it applies to your issue, give you a chance to ask me questions, etc.

3) Your Story: I'll ask you to tell me your story as how you think it might relate to your current problem. It may not be obvious to you and that's ok. My job is to put the pieces of your life puzzle to begin to look for possibilities. I'll ask about your family of origin, important relationships, childhood and other questions as I look for potential sources. I surely won't get your entire story in one session but we'll begin to look at it.

4) Wrap Up: In the last few minutes of the therapy session, I try to wrap things up by summarizing what information has been revealed. I'll probably ask how you're feeling after the session and offer you an opportunity to ask questions. If it feels like there is a good therapist-client fit then we'll move on together.

The first session is really about information gathering and the very beginning of establishing the therapeutic relationship. I cannot stress the importance of the "therapeutic relationship." Research has shown that this is one of the most important elements behind success for people in individual therapy. It is paramount that the highest level of trust and emotional safety is established in the environment of the therapy office. I strive to listen, validate and empathize with your situation.

Learn more about my Individual Therapy in San Diego.

Mental Health Tip: How to Set Boundaries by Saying "No"

The Mental Health and Relationship Toolbox

Therapy and Counseling Issues - Quick Tips and Tools

People who struggle with setting boundaries for themselves often struggle with saying "no." Using that word can literally bring up discomfort for them. For this reason, they overcommit, don't end up with any time for themselves and can even be taken advantage of by others. Their friends, family, partners and coworkers can develop unfair expectations of them as the "person who will always be there."

There are several issues that typically underly the inability to say "no" which is an article for another time. However, if you are someone who'd like to start setting more defined boundaries for yourself, then I have some ideas about how to begin.

Here are three suggestions of how to say "no" that don't include making up an excuse.

1) "I can't right now." This allows for the possibility of doing it at another time but is a softer way of saying "no."

2) "My plate is too full to commit to anything else right now." Most people can relate to this.

3) "I'm not able to but maybe I can help find someone else who can." You set your boundary while showing concern.

Keep in mind that learning to say "no" takes practice and you likely will need to push past uncomfortable feelings to get there. Also know that you might be met with some resistance from people who are baffled by the change in you. It might come in a look or even attempting to talk you into their request. Keep focused on what you're trying to accomplish. You're not only making personal changes but are modifying the expectations of others around you.

Learn more about my San Diego Individual Counseling and Relationship Therapy.

Dealing With Infidelity in a Relationship

Infidelity is certainly one of the most challenging issues a couple can face. The depth of pain experienced by the partner who was cheated on can be excruciating and unrelenting. For those who are not able to move past this transgression, it can represent the death of the relationship. The breach of trust is simply too much for some to bear which is completely understandable. However, for those who want to try to move past this event and rebuild their relationship foundation – there is hope. Make no mistake - it requires hard work and a commitment to the process.

The issue of “cheating” and having an “affair” comes up frequently in my couples work. Though this is one of the more challenging circumstances to work through in relationship therapy, the fact that the couple has presented themselves at all to work on it is a great sign. Infidelity can not only be very damaging to the partner who was cheated on but shaming for the one who did the cheating. When a couple such as this sits down on the couch in front of me, they both know they are about to climb an incredibly steep mountain together in which they may not even make it to the summit. There will undoubtedly be slippery rocks, sharp grades and formidable weather along the way.

I want to provide some guide posts to help navigate this treacherous climb in the form of ways a couple begin their ascent together. The following are five thoughts on how to heal from infidelity:

1) Cease the affair: This may seem obvious but sometimes “obvious” is better off stated. I have heard of more than one couple who went to therapy (not with me) to work on infidelity with the understanding that the affair was over – but the reality was it was still going on. This is not helpful.

2) There is no such thing as too much apologizing: The partner who cheated must be willing to apologize as many times as needed – and as sincerely as possible. They need to continue to take responsibility for wounding their partner and the relationship.

3) Allow the wounded partner his/her feelings: There could possibly be a wide range of emotions from the hurt partner, sometimes even seeming erratic and unrelenting. Remember that they are dealing with images, thoughts, suspicious thinking, anger, hurt and other swirling thoughts and emotions.

4) Learn how to communicate effectively: Sometimes affairs can come on the heels of build-up of resentments, unexpressed needs, feelings and so on. Be clear that I’m not excusing unfaithful behavior, only highlighting that effective communication between couples can only help build and maintain a strong relationship foundation.

5) It takes time: A couple dealing with infidelity needs to understand that this is a process and can take a long time to work through. There is not formula to figure out, “how long.” It will depend on a lot of factors specific to who they are, what transpired, the length of time it occurred and so on.

After following these guidelines, nagging doubt or mistrust of the unfaithful partner might remain. The wounded partner can be vulnerable to having his/her insecurity triggered. Stay aware of maintaining behavior that is kind, loving, loyal and supportive of each other. In other cases, there are couples that weather the storm of infidelity and come out stronger in the end. In either situation, if you both believe the relationship is worth fighting for, this is the first and most important step you’ve already taken towards the healing process.

Learn more about my Couples Counseling in San Diego